I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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