Who wears a wallet chain?!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
