dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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