Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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