What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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