Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I didn't notice because vodka
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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