i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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