The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
