My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
