im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
