im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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