Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
two words: eviction party
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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