We're like a lot better than the average bears
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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