I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Randomize
