apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
