I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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