Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
