Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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