Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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