I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
