Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
