he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Liz is crying about burritos again.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
