my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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