I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
