he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
