Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Can you bring me the toilet please
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
