I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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