I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
