Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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