i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize