You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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