You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
