Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
