He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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