The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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