The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
