I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
