I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
