he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
