my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
