So drunk, too bad you don't want this
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
