Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
