Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
