Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
