i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize