I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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