We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
