1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
