I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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