After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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