He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
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