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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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