I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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