I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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