If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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