Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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