I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
